The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i often wonder if perhaps pain can be felt from across a great distance? being an empath has always been such a strange thing already, what would one more odd scenario be to the pile of already odd things? i woke today in what i would call a melancholy mood. not bad, not sad, but there was something off. and to explain that, i feel normal, but plenty of people may point out that i seem off, even if i dont know it. the more i dwell on it, the more i notice. it happens a lot. i spent the day almost entirely absent from my social media, like i have for a few days. it helps me concentrate on whats important rather then scroll aimlessly through memes and articles. well as i arrived here at work i checked my facebook, and saw a friend post an obituary. one of my classmates from school lost his 15 year old sister, possibly to suicide. that was posted just hours ago. could it be a COINCIDENCE? perhaps. i dont put a ton of store in things i dont fully comprehend. i know only that i posses an ability to feel the emotions of the world around me. i suppose proximity isnt nessesarily an issue? or maybe i read too much into everything. perhaps in my madness i try to justify meaning to everything, for if there is meaning then people dont suffer needlessly right? if you have the answer i pray you share, for i find myself lacking in such a treasure. now that i know this girl has passed on, i dont actually feel any different, i just have a face to see while i carry the weight of pain for the grieving people around me.

its strange. to hear the words ive written, the music ive composed played back to me. ive recieved the first "rough draft" of my song "among the stars". but its hard to listen to. it doesnt sound the way it does in my head. in some ways that is good, others frustrating. minor things mostly, but to hear all of this, not know how to voice the things i hear, not knowing how to fix what i know isnt exactly right is the most terrifying feeling in the world. its like being a little worm on a big fucking hook. its like being rescued from the sea, only to find the life raft you have tied yourself to in the storm in sinking. its a suffocating feeling. why? because these are my most treasured thoughts, my inner most desires, and my beloved feelings put into music, and to share it unfinished with the world would feel disingenuous at best, lazy even. to have gone so far for what i have, only to cut my legs out from under myself by not giving it everything is a very real fear. im not some ignoble pop artist with an autotuned drawl and catchy inane repetitive lyrics. even if my music is never known beyond my humble little circle, the ones who know it will at least know me and my real feelings. my soul will live on through those few people, from the reality of my music. perhaps i take this and myself too seriously? in any case i will see how the next draft of my song goes while i wait for the other 3. there is something to be said about recording as well. to reuse my earlier statement, i felt like a tiny worm on a big hook. my producer is very accomplished. its very daunting to stand in the room and play my music in from of her. meeting rockstars, hanging with rockstars, thats all the easy part. its performing in front of those you hold in any measure of esteem that hits you in the gut. nervous? fuck yea i get nervous. the reality i know and understand is that reguardless of how pretty a song i write may be, im nothing on the talent scale comepared to the people i ineract with. if music was based purely on talent alone, i wouldnt have a chance in hell at anything, because i truly am not the best at anything i do. for however nice my voice might be, there are plenty i hear who to my ears are better then me, and my guitar,piano, bass, and drum skills are all mediocre at best compared to the likes of Batio, Bethoveen, or Vinnie paul. (sigh) i spent a while working on my self esteem, and while i made progress, it seems my biggest area that needs work is here.

im really terrible at committing to writing in my journal. its frustrating to me i suppose. my most treasured thoughts,inner desires, most horrific fears, all in my head are to bled dry into the pages of a journal? that scares me. is that strange? no i seem to like my guitar to be the medium for such things, not paper. for through my guitar, through my voice, such things can be expressed and still hidden. ive found myself thinking a lot about this of late. in 2 days i go to the studio to record my EP, and i have to confess myself both scared, and ecstatic. but still yet i wonder, what will the world see in my music? sure, any musician wants to believe that they have the potential to rise to stardom. most never make it to anything substantial. fewer still are even remembered beyond the scope of a fleeting trend. as i express these things so dear to my heart and soul into words and songs, i cant help but to wonder what my place might be. and even as i do, i cant help but wonder, what will my producer herself think? insecurity eats at me as i think of the idea of another musician hearing what ive done with a trained ear. but in any case we will see wont we? i guess i shouldnt complain. after all, not everyone even gets to have a CD of their own right? Not everyone gets to do what i do. i dont wish to portray myself as ungrateful, or as some sniviling idiot who complains even at the good things in life. no, this is just the ramblings of a man who on the outside can appear calm and collected, who is often sought for advice, and yet inside is nothing but a frightened child unwilling to face the horrors of the day. anyway, enough of my prattle. i close today with a list of songs to recommend to you, songs that at the moment are dear to me. they touch me in some way.

Victim- Avenged Sevenfold-
this song speaks to the listener, sharing thoughts of lonliness and pain, with lyrics like " nothing lasts forever in all good things its true" or we cant seem to shelter the pain inside, we are all just victims of a crime" very good song.

When daylight Dies- Heaven Below
Heaven Below is an extremely under rated band. the voice of the vocalist Patrick Kennisen is a soft, yet rough as well, but over all its Honest. this song blew me away.

Uninvited Guest- Disturbed
this song off their newest album is a perfect example of a song that fits any person's struggles with a toxic person in their life. me personally, i hear the song and my thoughts turn to my abuser from my teenage years and how even 12 years later, the twisted things that happened still haunt me. this song is an extraordinary piece of work.